coworker calls me “autistic” when she’s frustrated with me, coworker has “food emergencies” all the time, and more

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker calls me “autistic” when she’s frustrated with me

My coworker keeps calling me autistic to try and explain why I do things. Examples:

– When we were debating the phrasing of a document, she said, “See, this is autism! You don’t hear me.”

– When I stepped out of some frustrating work to compose myself for two minutes, she apparently told everyone in the room I was autistic and that’s why I needed a moment.

– When she noticed I communicate particularly well with a coworker who is open about her autism/OCD/ADHD, she said it’s because we both have “autism brains.”

She only seems to call me autistic when she’s frustrated with me. Like “autism (derogatory).” We have multiple neurodiverse coworkers, some of whom are open about that fact and others who aren’t. I am not neurodiverse, I have a trauma background, but either way it’s not my coworker’s business!

Can we please, please stop armchair diagnosing people?

Not only is it wildly inappropriate to diagnose a coworker, it’s also wildly inappropriate to use “autistic” as an insult. On top of that, your coworker is potentially creating legal issues for your company: harassment or discrimination based on a perceived medical condition is just as illegal as harassment or discrimination based on an actual one. She’s creating a hostile work environment (in the legal sense, not just the colloquial one) on a few different levels.

Ideally you’d call it out directly the next time she does it — as in, “Stop speculating about medical conditions in other people. It’s rude and it could get the company in trouble. If me telling you that isn’t enough to get you to stop, we can talk to Manager or HR about it and they can explain it.”

And then if it continues, follow through on that.

2. My coworker has “food emergencies” all the time

I have a coworker who frequently announces that she is having a “food emergency.” What she means is that she wants someone else to give her food. She’ll mention that she’s starving, didn’t bring enough to eat, forgot something, or otherwise needs food, and then look to the people around her to share their snacks or lunch with her or even to offer her money for the vending machines.

I can say with certainty that this isn’t a money issue because we’re all paid around the same and it’s clear she’s able to spend on non-essential items (nails, enormous frozen coffees, etc.). But she seems to expect other people to rescue her when she’s hungry and didn’t bother to bring any food with her, and because she calls it “an emergency,” it can make everyone else feel a little guilty for not helping.

I don’t mind sharing occasionally when it’s spontaneous or someone is having a rough day. But I’m feeling taken advantage of and I want to stop giving her food and money and let her deal with her own “emergencies.” Can I just start saying no every time without seeming like a jerk? I feel awkward about it when I have enough of something that I obviously could share if I wanted to, like if I’m eating a large bag of chips or popcorn, and she also knows I keep non-perishable snacks in my desk.

You can indeed just start saying no every time without being a jerk. “Sorry, I don’t have anything to share” is all you need to say.

If she looks pointedly at your enormous bag of chips or directly asks for something she knows you have, you can say any of the following:

* “Sorry, no, this needs to last me all week.”
* “I don’t bring enough to share, sorry.”
* “I don’t like to share my food.”
* “I keep it here to get me through the day, so no — but you could do the same so you don’t end up hungry.”

3. What does this goal on my review even mean?

I just got my annual review comments from my director, which are frankly ridiculous, pedantic, and beat a dead horse, and amounted to a request to change how I document something, me requesting clarification, disagreeing with the principle, but agreeing to make the change as asked. There has been zero feedback in the months since I made the requested changes, but now the subject largely dominates my review.

Last year my review was fairly glowing, but immediately afterwards things in the department went south and it has been a really tough year as programs I have built and sustained have been passed off to younger peers. I was told that I was “too invested” so I have made a conscious effort to detach and just focus on the work in front of me. Apparently that is not acceptable either because my review also makes various references to “professionalism opportunities” and “having a positive impact.” We have learned in the past year that this really means “comply and smile because you are going to do it my way or else.”

Which brings me to the “goal” she has written that I have no idea what to do with. It sounds like an AI mess of catchphrases: “During the next evaluation period, identify, discuss, and obtain approval from the director for at least one intentional, repeatable practice that measurably strengthens teamwork and/or workplace culture across the department. The identified action should extend beyond routine job responsibilities and demonstrate a meaningful contribution to fostering a positive and professional work environment.”

Beyond job responsibilities? No thank you. I am 52 and completely burned out by 30 years in rural healthcare. I am here for a paycheck. Beyond that, how would anything like this be remotely “measurable” or “repeatable”? (Not for nothing, but the one clinician older than me in the department is also getting a ton of recent pushback to change her style and methods even though there have never been issues previously…)

I don’t think it’s an AI mess of catchphrases, but it’s an annoying thing to request without a conversation with you about why she wants it and what sorts of things she has in mind. Some random examples that could work: starting a monthly skill-sharing lunch-and-learn where you track participant satisfaction rates, creating a peer recognition program with a target participation rate, or project post-mortems where people share what’s gone well in the team’s work and what’s been more challenging. But it’s heavily dependent on what the team needs and what your role is.

It’s worth noting, though, that your manager didn’t say this should be something beyond your job responsibilities; she said “beyond routine job responsibilities.” In other words, she wants you to do something beyond the basics and the day-to-day. As your manager, she does have the standing to require that. You can decide you don’t want to, but you’d be setting up a clash that’s pretty easily avoidable.

If you don’t want to do it because your plate is already full with higher priority work and there’s no room for this, that’s different — and that’s a conversation you should have with her. Or if it’s “I’ve seen this manager ask for stuff like this before but she always forgets about it a month later,” that’s a different thing too. But if it’s literally just “I’m burned out and don’t want to” … well, you can, but there are potentially a lot of negative consequences to that.

4. Can I ask to be moved out of a closet?

I recently took a new position at a large community college. It did not occur to ask where I would be working because, in all of the schools I have worked at, the options were either “cubical field” or “private office,” and I was fine with either one. However, it turns out that my desk is literally in a former supply closet.

The room itself is probably 15′ x 10′, and it is split into two “offices.” My section is 7′ x 5′, most of which is a desk/workstation, with just enough room for a chair. Also, there is a giant fluorescent light right over my head, and no daylight reaches me because of where the closet/office is located.

The combination of the size, the lack of daylight, and the fluorescent light is making me feel … insane? I don’t even know how to explain it. I am getting daily headaches — despite a magnetic light filter, better/tinted glasses, and changing my monitor settings — and my motivation is in the tank. It is definitely impacting my work.

There is an open cubicle in the cubicle field I could probably ask to be moved to, with approximately 15% more daylight and a much better fluorescent light situation. However, I can’t even figure out if this is a reasonable thing to ask for! It feels akin to asking to be moved because the energy is impacting my chakras.

Is this a reasonable thing to request or is my boss/HR going to think I am a new-age woo-woo person?

It’s absolutely a reasonable thing to ask, and it does not sound remotely woo-woo. It’s normal to be affected by light or its absence and by being in a tiny enclosed space.

They may have thought you’d prefer the privacy of this space to the open cubicle. Let them know it’s turned out to be a rough space to work in and the light is causing you headaches and ask if you can move to the open desk. There might be a reason they can’t say yes, but it’s nowhere near a weird thing to ask for.