coworker made her daughter go through our dumpster, boss says she “can’t win” with me, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker made her daughter go through our dumpster to find a lost retainer

I work at a company that, among other things, runs summer programs for kids. Some employees have kids who attend these programs. One of my coworkers, “Zoe,” has a 12-year-old daughter who is enrolled, “Carrie,” who seems like a really sweet kid. A few times now, Carrie has apparently taken out her retainer at lunch, wrapped it in a napkin while she eats, and then forgotten it’s there, so she has ended up throwing it away with the rest of her trash. Each time this has happened, Zoe has made Carrie come back to our site later that day to go through the trash dumpster to find the retainer. The sight of this girl forced to sit in a dumpster of trash and dig through other people’s leftover spaghetti and used tissues and whatever else is in the trash really bothers me — it seems cruel and humiliating. This is happening in front of a bunch of Zoe’s coworkers, and as far as I know no one has said anything to her about it.

I don’t want to tell Zoe how to raise her child, but I know I was a sensitive kid who would have been really bothered by this. Would I be out of line to mention that to her and suggest that she find a different way of handling it?

Well, you’re writing to someone whose mom made me sift through the school dumpster on two separate occasions for exactly the same reason. I did find my retainer both times, and I stopped losing it after that. (You’re not kidding about it being gross, though.)

Orthodontics are expensive! Moreover, if Zoe simply replaces it each time without making Carrie try to find it first, she’s decreasing the chances of Carrie learning to be responsible with it.

So I’m on Zoe’s side with this! (My mom would have deeply enjoyed seeing me write those words.) It’s not an unreasonable parenting move. It does suck for Carrie, but just in the way that some parts of learning to be a responsible human suck at that age, not in a way that rises to cruelty.

As long as Zoe isn’t yelling at Carrie or berating her during the dumpster excavation, see this as just something that might happen in a workspace that serves lunch to employees’ kids.

2. My boss says she “can’t win” with me because I want to be included some times and not others

I work in a public sector job, and recently I learned that my manager has a perception of me that I don’t think reflects the feedback I’ve actually been giving.

Last week, she volunteered me for a cross-functional workgroup with weekly meetings without considering whether I had the capacity or whether my role was actually needed. She sent me the meeting invitation about 10 minutes before the first meeting started. I attended, but I was frustrated because my workload is already very heavy.

Later, a coworker told me my manager said she “can never win” with me because “if she doesn’t include [me] in things, [I] get annoyed, and if she does include [me], [I] get annoyed.” That surprised me and was honestly hurtful to hear. I don’t want to come off as controlling or demanding.

Some back story: My manager frequently volunteers members of our team for workgroups or committees so our program has “a seat at the table” or influence over decisions. Sometimes that makes sense, but other times it feels like we’re taking on ongoing commitments simply so our program is represented, regardless of whether we’re the right people for the work or have the capacity to do it. That’s how I viewed this latest assignment.

At the same time, she often withholds information about initiatives that will eventually require our team’s involvement because she wants to “spare us the stress” until plans are more finalized. The result is that we don’t learn about projects until they’re urgent, when we’re suddenly expected to figure out staffing, workflow changes, implementation, or other impacts on short timelines. I’d rather know something is coming, even if leadership hasn’t finalized every detail, so our team has time to think through the implications. To me, asking to be informed is completely different from asking to have a hand in every single project.

I only know about the “can’t win” comment because a coworker repeated it to me, so I don’t feel comfortable asking my boss about it. But I’m concerned she’s come away thinking I’m impossible to satisfy, when I feel my expectations are actually pretty simple: keep the team informed about initiatives that will affect our work, and don’t volunteer us for additional commitments without talking to us first. What would be the best way to address this? Am I in the wrong here?

You can address it without mentioning the comment your coworker relayed to you. For example, you could say, “I’ve realized that we might have been inadvertently talking past each other on things like X and Y. I know I’ve expressed wanting to learn about projects earlier on before they become urgent, but I’ve also been wary of joining workgroups and committees just so we have a seat at the table — which I realize now might seem contradictory! So I hoped we could talk about both those things, in case I haven’t explained myself well and left you with the impression that I’m saying two conflicting things.”

It’s also worth asking yourself if what your coworker told you sounds likely to you. It’s possible something got lost in translation or they otherwise didn’t represent your boss entirely accurately — but you probably have a good idea of whether this sounds like something she might think or not.

3. Addressing (or not addressing) a breast reduction at work

I will soon be having a long-awaited breast reduction to alleviate chronic back pain that I’ve had for my entire adult life. I work fully remote, so figuring out how to address (or not address) it at work isn’t really a concern, but I’m curious what advice you’d give somebody going through a similar appearance-altering procedure if they worked in person.

As much as I like to hope that all managers and colleagues would treat it like any other medical concern (aka, not address it because it’s none of their business), I have to think that because it’s such a visible change, it might not go as smoothly as coming back from after taking leave for, say, gallbladder surgery.

And even if everything leading up to the leave is handled with respect for medical privacy and you tell colleagues a vague “I’ll be taking care of a medical thing,” when you get back, it’ll be obvious what that “medical thing” was. Do you just hope that your colleagues are all respectful people who don’t acknowledge the fact that your breasts are a different size and that they don’t treat it as less valid of a medical decision than any other type of surgery or procedure?

Yes — you should assume that your colleagues are adults who know not to comment on a change in a coworker’s breast size, just like you’d hope they wouldn’t announce that your butt was looking smaller. And indeed, the vast majority of the time that will be the case! If someone is rude enough to comment, you can feel free to look extremely weirded out that they’d comment on your boobs at work and decline to engage.

Interestingly, a lot of people won’t notice. They’ll notice something is different but they’ll wonder if you changed your hair or lost weight or so forth; they’ll won’t immediately go to “oh, breast reduction!” (But again, even if they clock it right away, it’s not something a polite person will mention to a colleague.)

Related:
I don’t want my coworkers to know about my boob job

4. Will I be judged for taking a few months off after graduating?

I am finishing my PhD in December. It has been overwhelming to try to find a job and finish my dissertation and I have decided that I need some time off. I am thinking that I will take two months off, and then start applying for jobs. This will obviously leave me with a gap in my resume, especially because I do not know how long it will take me to find a job given the current administration has destroyed science funding and I am a new grad. How can I avoid being judged for this gap? Is it even something I should be worried about?

A several-month gap after graduating is not a big deal, and you’re not likely to be judged for it. However, if you’re looking for science jobs — and especially if you’re looking in academia — my concern would be more that jobs in the field for new grads are scarce right now because of the funding debacle, and I’m worried about you losing two months of looking and potentially ending up with a much longer gap before you can find work in your field.

I’m all for taking some time off after graduating before you start seriously looking, but I’d recommend something closer to a month than two months if you can — or at least starting parts of a search, like networking, earlier than that.

5. Telling interviewers that I can’t work on Sundays

I’m interviewing for a new job. I’m religious and part of that is that I want to keep the Sabbath (Sundays for me) and not work that day at all.

I’m willing to sacrifice my Saturdays if I need to in order to keep this belief of mine, but is there a proper way or a script I can use to communicate this fact up-front to a prospective employer? (Should I do it during the interview if asked?) I don’t want to mess up my chances for a job, but this is also rather important to me.

Wait until you’re offered the job and ask about it at that point, assuming it’s a job where it seems like some weekend work might be expected (which won’t be the case for many jobs). Say it this way: “I’m not available Sundays for religious reasons, but can work Saturdays if needed. Is that something that will work on your end?”

However, if they ask you to be specific about your availability earlier in the process (and, again, if it’s a job that might include weekend work), answer honestly that you’re not available Sundays but can work Saturdays if needed.