A reader writes:
I have a staff member, Sam, who will be out later this year on parental leave. The period they will be on leave overlaps a time of year where their position is the busiest, as the work is highly seasonal and cannot be paused until they return. This isn’t an issue to me as their manager since I can work with the rest of my team to cover what needs to be done without it being a huge burden on the larger team, and everyone has been supportive as we’ve prepared for their leave.
What I’m struggling with is that Sam is being super resistant to preparing things so we have the information we need for while they are out on leave, and they are getting visibly upset when I discuss with the whole team the work that will take place while they are out (they have shared about the pregnancy with the whole team).
The visible upsetness starts when I am talking with the whole team about things that will happen when they are on leave. For example, saying that we would do X activity on Y date and B staff member will be the contact person for that activity, or that the seasonal worker we hire to work during this time will begin on Z date and checking with C staff member that he will be around to train them that day and in the following days, when training that person would normally be my on leave staff member’s job.
Their resistance is mostly in the form of not getting things done by intermediate deadlines and then saying that my deadline isn’t reasonable and is me trying to take their project away from them before their leave. I want the documentation done by the end of this month, three weeks before the due date, but I wanted to see an detailed outline last week based on the bare bones outline I gave them, which they did not do. And I want a full draft by a bit earlier so we have time to go over it together because I know that it likely will be missing things, through no fault of Sam’s but because it’s hard to create complete documentation on the first go-around since sometimes you don’t realize what other people don’t know that seems obvious to you.
In one-on-ones, they are implying that I am being unreasonable for giving them a deadline several weeks ahead of their due date for documentation to be completed, and that I’m also being unreasonable for saying that another member of the team and I will make decisions about the project while they are gone. (They seem to think we should either not make any decisions or we should call them.) I don’t have children, and once they implied that I was being unreasonable about all of this because I don’t understand being a parent. But in my mind, preparing for them being on leave doesn’t have anything to do with being a parent; this is the same way I’d prepare if someone had to take medical leave for another medical reason (like surgery or cancer treatment, etc.).
I fully appreciate that there are things about being a parent I am sure I don’t understand, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, though I’m open to being told otherwise. If you go on medical leave, you are on medical leave, and other then sending us cute baby pictures if you so choose, we shouldn’t be hearing from you, and you certainly aren’t part of making day-to-day decisions at work.
Sam does struggle with giving up control, and often sees questions as an attack. So I think unfortunately the questions to we need to ask to prepare for their leave are pushing all their buttons. I’ve been mindful about sending them the questions we have over email so they don’t feel they are being ganged up on in staff meetings, and making sure the questions are phrased very neutrally, not questioning past decisions but clarifying what was decided so we can make sure we understand how they have done things in the past so we can do that while they are gone.
Does Sam by chance define themselves by their work or get very invested in being the person who does their job? It sounds like they might be someone whose sense of security comes from feeling indispensable, and so visibly making the team capable of functioning without them is feeling threatening. (Either that or you’re about to uncover when Sam is gone that they’ve been embezzling, since this kind of overprotection is a known hallmark of that. Hopefully it’s not that!)
In any case, regardless of how Sam feels about it, you do indeed have a fundamental responsibility to ensure the team is prepared to function during their leave — and it doesn’t mean that it’s okay for Sam’s leave plan to be “I will check in all the time and stay involved.” Even if they really want to do that, you have the standing as their manager to say no, that’s not going to be the plan because (a) you need to be prepared in case their availability ends up being different than what they’re envisioning currently (which is not uncommon after someone gives birth), and (b) they need to actually disconnect from work. In fact, if they’re using FMLA or many other state leave programs, you can’t legally contact them about work.
So, in your shoes, I’d name what you’re seeing and lay out very clearly what you need to see instead, and be clear that cooperatively preparing for their leave isn’t optional.
For example, you could say: “I want to talk about something I’ve noticed as we’re preparing for your leave. I’m noticing a pattern where, when we ask for information or documentation needed for the team to cover your work while you’re away, the deadlines are missed or pushed back on, and when we discuss plans for that period, you’ve sometimes seemed upset that we’re making decisions about how the work will be handled without you. I want to be clear that discussing dates, responsibilities, and who will make decisions is normal continuity planning that we have to do, and it’s not about taking your job away; your job will be waiting for you when you return. I also want to be clear that my expectation is that you will be fully disconnecting and not monitoring your work while you’re on leave. I don’t want you checking in with us or getting involved with day-to-day decisions while you’re away because it will cause confusion — and while you’re on FMLA, we can’t allow it anyway. I want to work this out now rather than having it keep coming up around individual deadlines or questions.”
You could also say, “I’m very open to hearing if there are things about the preparation process that aren’t working for you, or if there’s information you think we’re missing. But the expectation that we establish who will make decisions while you’re gone and complete your leave prep before X date isn’t something I can change.”
If Sam says again that you’re not a parent and so you don’t understand, you can say, “You’re right that I don’t have personal experience with taking parental leave myself. What I do have responsibility for is managing the team and making sure work is covered when any employee is away for an extended period. If there are aspects of preparing that you think I’m not accounting for, I’m very open to hearing them. But I do need us to complete the work the team needs to function while you’re gone.”
The post am I being unreasonable in how we’re preparing for my employee’s parental leave? appeared first on Ask a Manager.
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