my coworker thinks I’m overwhelmed but I’m not, coworker charges everyone for coffee, and more

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My coworker thinks I’m overwhelmed but I’m not

My colleague, Anne, keeps offering to take on my projects, despite having a larger workload. How do I establish some boundaries and why on earth might she be doing this?

For context, I’ve been in my current job at a new company for a year. The role is intermediate in our industry, but I’m at a “junior” level, while Anne is at a senior level. She used to do my job as well as her own, then tried to hire a contractor (did not work out), and finally convinced management that a full-time employee was needed. She’s handling a lot of the older, more complicated projects, while I am taking on most of the new work. Anne often seems overwhelmed by her workload and at times management has stepped in to hand off some of her projects. I go to her for advice (we manage vendors, so it’s helpful to see if anyone’s dealt with a situation before).

But I feel like any time I ask her a question or tell her about my workload, the next day our boss asks me if I need help! My boss clarified that Anne had been coming to her and offering to take on some of my projects. She said that I was doing well, but wanted to check in because Anne gave her the impression that I was completely overwhelmed. This first happened about six months ago and it has happened occasionally since.

I’ve been trying to establish some boundaries, like not venting to Anne, clarifying that my workload is manageable, and approaching other team members for advice. However Anne has a lot of experience and gives great advice. I just feel like any time I ask for advice, she tells my boss I’m overwhelmed and overworked! What would you do?

Talk to Anne! Say something like, “I really appreciate being able to come to you for advice on things like X and Y, but after talking with Jane, I want to make sure I’m not giving you the impression that I’m overwhelmed or struggling with the work. I don’t feel overwhelmed; I feel comfortable with my workload and don’t feel I need to hand things off.” (You could leave out “after talking with Jane” if you think that will cause drama, but generally you should be able to be forthright about the fact that your boss relayed this to you.)

Since you mentioned that Anne actually does feel overwhelmed by her workload, I’m curious whether your questions might inadvertently be adding to that. If she already feels frazzled, your questions might feel like they’re adding her to burden, when she was hoping hiring you would mean she wouldn’t need to think about XYZ at all anymore. In many cases that would be unrealistic — but it might explain what’s been happening. If that resonates at all, think about whether there are ways to pare down what you bring to her (and either way, definitely do not vent to her — both because it’s reinforcing the problem and because she’s primed to assume work is as stressful for you as it is for her).

You also should talk to your boss about this. You could say that you were surprised to hear Anne had that impression and you want to affirm that you are not overwhelmed and your workload is manageable, and you will let her know if that ever changes.

2. My coworker is charging everyone for coffee

For years my office had pretty decent coffee in our kitchen, and then they got rid of it (cost-cutting). We’re not located in an area where it’s easy to leave for coffee, so one of my coworkers brought in his own coffeemaker and is keeping it in his office and letting anyone who wants some have a cup. It’s really good coffee! However, after the first couple of weeks of this, he started charging $2 per cup (after he got us hooked, just like they warned us dealers would do!). It seems wrong that he’s essentially running a side business out of our office. Is he allowed to do this?

As long as the internal policies of your office don’t forbid it (or a manager tells him to stop), he’s allowed to do it. It wouldn’t be an issue in most offices as long as he’s not spending a lot of time painstakingly filling out an accounting ledger for it or something like that.

My guess is that he sees it less as a business and more as a way to cover the costs of keeping everyone supplied with coffee — similar to asking people to chip in to keep a candy dish stocked. $2/cup is almost certainly more than he needs to just cover his costs, but on the other hand he’s providing you with pretty cheap coffee and you’re free to decline it.

3. How do I ask for maternity leave when my company has never offered it?

I am due to have a baby in about three months. I am an exempt employee at a small company (fewer than 50 people) with no parental leave policies. It was recently confirmed to me that I will receive no paid time off for maternity leave — once my standard PTO is exhausted, I will not be paid. They will honor FMLA, even though they don’t have to because of their size, by guaranteeing my job for up to 12 weeks, which of course is good, but basically is just “yay, I won’t be fired for having a baby.” I am disappointed. I also feel that in my somewhat senior and specialized position it would be beneficial for me to be available for questions during my leave, but if I’m not being paid at all, I don’t want to help out at all.

I would like to go back to management and ask them to reconsider. Even just two weeks to cover the time before short-term disability kicks in would be helpful.

It feels very unfair to me and I’m sure to them to grant me leave though when other people who have had children recently haven’t received any leave. I would like to ask them to establish a policy so that everyone going forward gets leave, including me, but what about everyone who didn’t receive leave (probably 3-4 people in the last 12 months)? Do you have any suggestions on how to word this request?

Unless they never plan to offer any kind of maternity leave, they’re going to have to pick a point where they start offering it and the people who had kids before won’t have gotten it; there’s no way around that. This is something every company deals with when they start offering parental leave, and the solution isn’t just “we can never improve our policies and since some people didn’t get leave, no one else will ever get it either”; it’s “this is the reality of being a growing company where our policies and benefits will improve over time.”

You should point that out, and point out that committing to just never offering maternity leave will make your company far less welcoming to women and less competitive in general. And you should also point out that, given the nature of your position, it will be helpful for them to be able to call on you with occasional questions, and you’d be happy to be available for that in exchange for receiving some paid leave but can’t offer it otherwise. (Do be aware that if this were official FLMA, they couldn’t do that; they’d need to leave you alone. But being a smaller company not subject to FMLA gives you both some flexibility on that if you want it.)

4. Was I right to turn down this job offer?

I lost my job back in May and have been looking for a new one. I got an offer for a good amount, to start right away, but I have three issues: (1) My spouse and I have a prepaid, two-week vacation in Europe planned for September, (2) I’m attending a conference in my field in the second week of November, with flights, lodging and the conference already paid for, and (3) I’m staying near my hometown for the week of Thanksgiving. Lodging for that is arranged, but can be cancelled if necessary. #1 and #2 are non-negotiable since I’ve already spent around $10,000 making these arrangements. #3 is very negotiable.

The company that made me the job offer wouldn’t commit to yes or no on any of my three issues. I could take “no” for an answer, but a “maybe” is worse than a “no.” I turned the job down, telling them that if they can’t give me clarity on #1 and #2, then it’s not the position for me. I’ve heard nothing from them since then, which is fine by me, because I had a red flag during the interview with HR. (They grilled me about a six month gap in my resume from October 2013 – March 2014. It’s 2026.)

However, I have friends telling me I should have taken the job just to have some income and then quit if they wouldn’t let me go in September. I don’t want to do that, no matter how much I need a job. Quitting after a month and a half seems like torching not just the bridge, but my career. Was I wrong to turn this down?

I agree you shouldn’t have taken the job planning to quit it in a couple of months if they wouldn’t let you take the trips. Not because you’d torch your career (that seems unlikely unless it’s a tiny field; you could simply leave it off your resume), but because it’s a crappy thing to plan to do and I’d assume you’d probably slow your job search down after you started, which could then leave you in a harder spot once you quit.

For me the question is: if you don’t have a job by the fall, will you regret having turned this one done and still feel like the trade-off of getting to go on the trips was worth is? If so, it was the right call. If you would regret it at that point, then my next question is what your job prospects are like: are you in demand and getting interviews for work you want? If you’re not confident there will be more offers over the next few months, that’s a different calculus than if you are.

For what it’s worth, though, I agree their refusal to give you a clear answer is troubling, unless they were able to explain why (like “we have a major client event right at that time and we can try to let you go but won’t know for sure until closer to the time”). The grilling on the 12-year-old resume gap says that particular HR person was ridiculous, but doesn’t necessarily say anything about what it would be like to work there.

5. Mentioning FMLA in a disciplinary letter

I’m recovering from a very toxic workplace and trying to recalibrate my norms. I have a question about one of HR’s practices and I’m wondering if it’s normal. For reference, this is a healthcare organization where burnout is common.

In their standard, first warning discipline letter, which was classified as documentation of informal performance coaching and was only three short paragraphs, they devoted a full paragraph to suggesting taking FMLA if needed. They also threatened termination in that same letter. There were many shady things they did, including union-busting and retaliation against people who actually did use FMLA benefits, but I’m curious simply about the practice of suggesting FMLA to any employee warned about performance issues (again, this was a standard letter that I saw for more than one employee).

I can see where this would be appropriate if the manager was aware of specific circumstances or suspected them. I would think ideally this would be broached in a non-disciplinary way before things escalated to performance coaching. I have various theories on why the larger organization would mandate this, including reminding their managers not to be assess if an employee had suffered some terrible trauma (necessary). That’s one of the more generous theories. What are your thoughts? Is this within the range of normal for functional organizations?

I’d assume they’re trying to cover all their bases: if there’s a medical issue in play, they don’t want to be accused of not offering FMLA to help. And they won’t necessarily know if there’s a medical issue in play, so they’re just including it as part of their boilerplate, so they can say they’ve ensured employees know about their rights where it might be relevant.

You didn’t say what the language threatening termination was, but I’m guessing it was something like, “Without improvement, consequences could ultimately include termination” — which is also an attempt to document that they’ve been clear and won’t be blindsiding the person if it ultimately comes to that.

It sounds like there were lots of other issues with the organization, but these two things don’t sound outrageous.