It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…
1. My boss tells me “I know you know this” — but I don’t
I have been in my current role for two years and under my current manager for a year. I like her a lot. She’s a very strong communicator, has a lot of catchphrases, very personable. She’s very knowledgeable about my role because she did it for many years, but there’s not any official documentation.
I am autistic and have suspected ADHD. She knows this. We’ve had discussions where I’ve flat-out said that my short-term memory is not great because of my disability.
She continues to tell me things like “I know you know this” and “I know what you know” when I ask questions. When someone cc’s her on an email to me, she jumps in and writes a long diatribe about how I need to review the team meeting notes where this was discussed.
I can’t keep everything straight and I do try! I’ve tried lots of different organization ideas to try to remember everything my role needs to remember, but it’s ever-changing. We don’t have great documentation and everything is in her head.
I know she says these things to everyone, but I worry she’s clocking my forgetting yet another thing and she’s not remembering I am disabled in that regard. Should I remind her every time? I’m at a loss. I’ve tried explaining in our 1:1’s about it but she continues to do it because she’s all about the work getting done and she thinks she’s helping me. But it isn’t helping me to be told over and over that I’m forgetting things and it’s a problem.
Is she saying “I know you know this” like she’s trying to be encouraging and build you up? Or like she’s chastising you? Neither is great, but the former would just be misguided, while the latter would be genuinely crappy.
Either way, I think you can respond in the moment with something like, “Actually, I don’t think I do know it, although it may be a memory issue. Can you help remind me?” or “I’m not finding it in my head right now. Can you help me sort through it?”
You mentioned you’ve tried addressing the pattern, but if you haven’t already tried something like this, you could: “I have short-term memory problems for medical reasons, so when I ask a question, it’s because I really don’t know the answer. I understand you’re trying to encourage me, but it’s tough to be told that I know when I really don’t know. I’m actively working on systems that will help with my memory issues, but I wanted you to be aware that this is medical for me and not something I can solve through sheer force of will.”
2. Should an employer pay for an employee’s mistake?
I suspect that I know the answer to this, but wanted to run this by you. My direct report John recently went on a business trip. He flew into JFK, attended a conference, and when leaving, apparently entered something like “airport” into his Lyft app and ended up at LaGuardia without realizing his mistake. As a result, he paid a little over $200 in flight change fees and additional baggage fees. He has now expensed these costs. If it were me, I probably would have put them on my personal card out of sheer embarrassment, but I suspect that I should probably withhold my judgment and approve the expense report. What do you think? Is there ever a time that an employee should eat the cost of a work-related mistake?
You should pay it and withhold judgment. It was an honest mistake during work travel while he was actively trying to get home from a business trip. An honest mistake during work travel should just be seen as a cost of doing business.
If it was part of a pattern, you’d want to address the pattern itself and let him know it was a problem. But a one-time mistake? Let it go. (Also, while you said you’d pay it yourself in his shoes, keep in mind that you don’t want to create a a culture of fear where people hide mistakes out of embarrassment.)
The only time an employee should be liable for the cost of a work-related mistake would be in much more serious situations where they were grossly negligent or reckless — like causing property damage while driving under the influence — or if he, say, missed his flight because he decided to stay late to visit a friend.
3. Is this stitch art inappropriate for work?
Would it be inappropriate to display cross stitch art that involves a pun about “attempted murder” and a “murder of crows” in my office at work? Does the fact that my coworkers (but not me) do some work involving the criminal justice system — although never murder cases — make a difference?
I guess I’m wondering if there is a defensible distinction between this wordplay and say, someone miming suicide by gunshot. These goofy crows bring me joy, but I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.
I think it’s fine and entirely different than someone miming shooting themselves … but it’s also possible that someone in your office will be sensitive to it, and there’s just no point in risking that at work, so I’d skip it.
Put it up at home and pick décor without murder references (even funny ones that aren’t actually about murder, like this one) for work.
4. Two rejections from the same company
I work in a somewhat niche role at a nonprofit. I’ve been trying to leave my position all year due to the company’s ongoing financial instability that is having a very negative consequences on employees (layoffs, pay cuts, etc.). In the current economy and job market, it’s been incredibly difficult to move on.
Over the summer, I interviewed with another company for a higher position than mine (let’s say, manager). I knew it would likely be a bit of a reach, though I put in my application anyway, and got a screening interview with their director. I received a rejection a few days later, but the director noted the skills I discussed overlapped well with another open role (assistant manager). The second role, at best, was a lateral move for me, perhaps even a slight step down, but with the potential to pay better than my current job at which I’m underpaid and overworked. I gave myself a few days to recover from the sting of the rejection and notified them that I was interested in the assistant manager role and submitted my application.
A few weeks later, I received an interview with the newly-hired manager, plus an interview with a hiring panel for the next step. I thought I performed well in both interviews. Well, I just got a rejection this morning. I’m not surprised (again, the job market), but I’m incredibly defeated, especially after the director pointed me towards the second role and seemed enthusiastic enough to schedule me for two stages of the second interview process at once.
I feel beside myself. I know I’m owed nothing, and that competition for these positions is extremely tight right now, and being able to match 90-100% of the job description and required experience just might not be enough. I know I just need to put this behind me and move on. But I’ve never dealt with this particular situation, and I’m struggling to cope with being rejected for two related roles with the same organization. Do you have any recommendations for what to tell myself after all this?
Hiring isn’t pass/fail. They didn’t decide you suck. They interviewed multiple candidates, all of whom were probably qualified for the job, and picked the one who was their strongest match for their particular set of needs. That’s how hiring usually goes — by the interview stage, all of the candidates should be well-qualified (at least if the employer has done their initial screening well) and it’s a matter of picking among multiple good people. Rejection at that stage doesn’t mean “you’re not qualified” or “we never should have interviewed you.” It means, “We talked to several strong people and could only hire one.”
You’ve got to interpret the director’s suggestion in that light, too. She wasn’t saying, “We will definitely hire you for this other job.” She was saying, “You would be a competitive candidate for this other job,” which you apparently were because they interviewed you!
5. How should I tell the people I manage that I’m leaving?
I’ve been told by my recruiter to expect an offer on an exciting new position I’ve been interviewing for. I’ve re-read all of your advice about resigning, which mostly focuses on when and how to tell my boss. I found a couple of mentions of how to tell my coworkers. But I manage a small team. When and how do I tell them?
The easiest thing would be (after I’ve negotiated the offer and spoken with my boss) to tell them at our weekly team check-in. But I hope I’m not unduly flattering myself when I suspect that they will be upset to see me go. (One of my employees once told me in so many words that the only reason she stayed in this job was because of me, and she would leave if I did.) The last thing I want is to cause public drama of any kind, and certainly not focusing on me.
It’s okay for them to be upset that you’re leaving! That’s not the same thing as drama; it just means people are sad to see you go. If someone decides to leave because you’re leaving, that’s unlikely to be drama either (assuming that they don’t mean they’d quit on the spot but rather would just start a job search).
Telling them at a weekly team meeting is a good way to do it. You could tell people one-on-one, but unless you have a very small team (like two people), it’s likely to start getting around before you’ve met with everyone. So do it at a team meeting. Frame it as, “I have some bittersweet news to share” and make sure to cover what it will mean for them — what the timeline is, how you plan to spend the time you have remaining, what the plan is for after you’re gone, who they’ll report to before your replacement is hire, etc. If you don’t have all those answers yet, assure them you’re working on it and give them a timeline for when those answers are likely to be ready.
Related:
I feel guilty about leaving the team I manage
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